Following the worldwide outbreak of Covid-19, our lives have changed dramatically. Countries across the globe are implementing social distancing and lockdown measures. Schools have closed and, where possible, working from home is the new norm. There is daily talk of increasing numbers of people dying, becoming infected and needing breathing support. Hand washing has become essential and families are not able to see one another. It is such as huge shift for everyone, and whilst there are parts of it that allow time for reconnection and positivity, it is an emotional rollercoaster for us all.
For our children, social isolation and the pandemic is likely to bring with it a palette of emotions. How is it you can support your child in managing their emotions at this time? The primary thing to remember is the need to allow your child to lead the pace and direction of their emotional expression. To support your child, ensure they are expressing their emotions in a safe way and be with them throughout the experience.
It is likely that emotions will fluctuate as this time goes on. Both your own and those of your children. In this article we look at some of the behaviours you may see in your children and give some ideas to support them in emotionally regulating.
Where do the boundaries lie?
For all children, regardless of their age, it is important to know where your boundaries are in respect of behaviour; this is particularly important in times of uncertainty. Your children need to know what is and is not allowed. This gives the basis for managing emotions and given you are likely to be spending far more time together in one place than you ever have before, new challenges might arise.
Supporting your child in this difficult time, knowing where your limits are is really important as it is likely their behaviour will test these. Things in the World are uncertain, and they want to see if you are too. For example, if you say ‘no’ to another snack, or another 20 minutes on the tablet, how much do you really mean this? If they want to sleep in your bed or get in with you in the night – is this something you are willing to allow? It is important they receive a consistent message from you. If it was okay on Tuesday but it isn’t in Friday this can cause confusion and anxiety. Inconsistency can lead to further expression of emotions in a negative way.
Boundaries make children feel safe (there is more about this in an article coming soon on parenting in the Coronavirus Crisis). Boundaries can be hard to set, implement and maintain. It can be tough at the end of the day, when you are all tired and you have been spending all day together not to either just let things go, or to become short tempered, agitated and say ‘no’ to something you had previously allowed. If you can recognise when this happens, you can make changes for next time. You might not be able to make these changes every time, it’s a big ask, but small changes will have a positive impact.
For me, thinking about my own personal boundaries (and this is personal for everyone, we are all different), I ask myself ‘is it safe?’. If it is a risk, then I would not agree. Sometimes I might ask for time to think about it and say I’ll come back in a moment. In that time, I will think about the risks and my feelings. That goes for an activity or a game. When it comes to ‘hitting out’ type behaviours, these are not allowed. In this instance you might want to use language about the behaviour not being safe, and thinking about how else your child could express themselves. At times you might find you have said ‘no’ and then realised that it is okay, changing your mind is okay, as long as this is not every time. Boundaries help children feel safe, they resist them to check they’re there.
Beyond the boundaries, managing emotions
Expressing emotions with words is a difficult thing to do. As adults we sometimes struggle to do this. Children will often show you how they feel with their behaviours and actions or words they know will get a reaction; for example shouting ‘go away!’. In their behaviour you may see shouting, screaming, throwing, withdrawing, hitting and kicking, the list goes on. What they are saying or doing is not necessarily that they mean. It can be hard not to take these things personally in the moment, but try to assess what it is the behaviour is really telling you.
Behaviours such as lashing out at you, shouting at you or ignoring you, are all likely to be testing if you are really going to be there for them. In these times of uncertainty will you still be their constant. Recognising the emotions behind the behaviours is important. Acknowledge this with words. Name what it is they are doing and if it is unsafe telling them they need to stop the behaviour as it is unsafe but you will help them to find a way to express themselves safely. Spending time with them and being with them is important. As children get older and enter their teens, they may want to be alone. This is part of their development. If this is the case, let them know where you will be and that they can come to you when they’re ready, but you’ll be back in X minutes to check they are okay.
Express yourself (safely)
In the moment, it can be very hard to implement strategies to manage emotions. Children often struggle to engage with mindfulness techniques in the moment but naming the behaviours your child is showing is a good place to start. Depending on your child’s age, you should not always ‘name’ the emotion – ie. ‘I can see you are cross’. The reason for this is that you might not name the emotion accurately, they may be feeling ‘angry’ or may even be ‘scared’. For younger children who may not have the skills to be able to name emotions, you may want to name the emotion you think you can see, with the caveat that this is what you are seeing and rather than what they are feeling.
Acknowledge your child’s feelings. Do not tell them not to be angry/sad/mad whatever it may be you are seeing. Allow them to have these feelings. Tell them you understand they are feeling this way and you want to help them find a way to express themselves safely.
Helping your child to express themselves safely, you may need to offer other forms of expression or tools to help them regulate;
- Cuddles – Touch is a really important part of emotional regulation. Touch ‘lowers cortisol levels, reducing anxiety and stress’ (Source: Telegraph). Through cuddles, a reassuring hand on the shoulder or a stroke on the back, you can help the stimulation of oxytocin which is a ‘happy hormone’ which in turn helps your child regulate emotionally. Cuddles also give them a chance to be close to you. If you are able to model to them being calm in the moment, this supports their regulation of emotions too. This can be done without touch too.
- Silence – Allow there to be silence. Allow this to sit and try not to fill it. Resist the urge to ‘move on’.
- Listen – Hear what it is your child is telling you. Allow them to feel these feelings and express them to you without opinion or judgement.
- Ask – Ask your child what would be helpful to them. Ask if there is anything you could do or that they want to do
It is important to remember that your child will find it hard to regulate their emotions if you too are emotionally dysregulated. Take deep breaths to help you regulate your emotions. If you need to leave the room for a moment, do this, but try to return as soon as you can, feeling calmer and ready to help your child regulate. Taking deep breaths in the presence of someone who is emotionally dysregulated can help them regulate their emotions too. We are dealing with a new situation and it is okay for emotions to be big, and fluctuate but know that they are manageable.
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